TIPS TO ENABLE YOU TO WIN THE FOLIO.

By Ron Croad, from and idea by Colin Powell.

Many of you will have been frustrated in the past by judges remarks such as `Its a nice record shot- etc.

On a visit to Colin Powell our treasurer I was shown an amusing AV sequence on `Aids to win Competitions`. The following are a few of the devices you need to make sure of certain winners.

1) A surplus battleship or ocean liner anchor. You use this when your masterpiece "Needs more weight".

2) Wet Suit. handy when you are taking a photograph with your back to water, perhaps on the edge of a wharf or river and the judges declare that "You should have moved back a little".

3) Chainsaw. Very important for Landscape photographers. It will avoid the remarks such as "This slide would have been perfect if there had only been one tree in the foreground not two". Also handy for removing telegraph poles which get in the way.

4) Mini Trench Digger, or an Excavator. How many times have you heard that "This shot would be really good if taken from a lower viewpoint".

5) Very robust pair of high steps. These would be used to obtain the necessary height when your slide would have "Certainly made the top three if it had been taken from a higher viewpoint".

6) Coloured Dye. This is used to scatter on water in harbours, rivers etc, when it is deemed that: "The water is a rather drab colour".

7) Dynamite. Often required to remove "Those awkward rocks in the foreground". Small thunderflashes could be utilised to liven up those animals that "Seem rather static" in your slides.

8) Several Fashion Dummies. These can be garbed in red anoraks when "A point of interest is required in the foreground".

9) Kalashnikov Rifle. Needs a licence so this may be a trifle tricky. If you can get hold of one though its ideal for when judges think your entry is spoilt by the people in the background intruding into an otherwise perfect shot. Also handy for ridding your slides of those "Awful white blobs on mountainside and pastoral slides". For the uninitiated, the blobs are caused by sheep getting into your act.

Now as you have gathered you are not going to get this little lot in the gadget bag, so you may have to contemplate swapping the family hatchback for something like a Tank Recovery Vehicle. I understand that the former USSR have a number of bargains available at the moment, for those who get in quickly.

Ed.